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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Doubt Rears It's Ugly Head

I suppose had I gone to a doctor who would have actually listened to my symptoms and done more than pat me on my head and send me on my way with a bogus diagnosis of depression and a prescription for therapy, I would get taken more seriously. And moreover, would perhaps stop breaking the rules so much. If some authoritative person had said "You have Celiac/you're allergic/your thyroid is bonkers" and told me 'this is how you need to eat- for life' then I wouldn't feel the need to dip my toes in the water so much.

How much grain can I have? Maybe it's not really linked. Can I have it now? How about now? Will it hurt this time? How about this time? Is the pain related or is it in my head?  

I feel like my toddlers; ever testing the boundaries. When this started, I suppose I was just searching for answers. I was looking for a way to lose weight and feel better. I wasn't expecting to discover how very badly I react to grain. Until I completely eliminated it from my diet and then tried it again I had no idea what a number it was doing on my system. I was looking desperately to fix what was wrong with my body because something was clearly wrong but it never occurred to me how deep the problem might run. Never did I expect I wouldn't be able to cheat, that flour was going to be off limits for life. What do you mean date night can no longer revolve around the soft, pillowy, yeasty goodness at Cicero's Pizzeria? The pain will be intense from about an hour after eating until 3 days later when the intestinal distress tapered off. I am shocked, dismayed, and somewhat in denial about these truths. Worse yet are the people in my life who don't believe me. Their lack of support makes me doubt myself and what I know that I know.

I've learned through so many past experiences to listen to what my body is telling me. Sometimes it's hard to figure out. Sometimes it's a piece of cake. But always, always is the urge to doubt what I know. I had a fantastic doctor when I lived in Texas who believed, like really believed, that his patients were the source of both the problem and the solution. He encouraged me to do my own research and we'd often talk at length about what I'd found and how it applied. And he always stressed that tests can be wrong (and often are wrong) or inconclusive so we have to rely on more than just a lab coat to be sure we're headed in the right direction. Namely symptoms and intuition.

I have a long history of these symptoms. Brittle nails. Headaches. Unexplained stomach pain. Easy weight gain.

Is is Celiac's? Thyroid? Insulin resistance?

Who knows. 

At this point, I just want to feel better and stop doubting the path in front of me. If eating paleo makes me feel better and it isn't hurting anyone then I suppose it matters not if I'm "right". All that matters is that I've had to trim my long and strong nails twice in the last month, my hair looks normal again, and eating grain makes me double over in pain for three days. And I haven't had one debilitating headache this month.

Good-bye sweet pizza. You will be missed.


  1. You've got to do it for you. And "haters gonna hate" no matter what you're doing. Just don't include them. Just eat how you eat and do what you do and don't give them the details. You know what feels best and you alone know what you need. You've got this girl. xo

  2. Oh my word, I could've written this. I haven't gone paleo, but I've had to get rid of wheat. The other grains don't seem to affect me as much, but I still get bloated with them. I mean, like nasty, pregnant, edema hands and feet type of swollen. And I did get tested for Celiac and it came back negative, but I still cramp and swell soon after I eat wheat. It's awful. My thing is that since I got a negative result, I musn't have issues with gluten (knowing there are still allergies/sensitivities/intolerances), and I also keep "testing my boundaries". So, you're not alone.

    You'll do this. You are intuitive enough to really trust your body to tell you what you need to do. You've got this!